The Cerro Azul Monster (a.k.a. a Bald Sloth)

There’s not a lot of real information about the Cerro Azul monster found in Panama back in the fall of 2009. Beyond its vaguely extraterrestrial looks (a cross between the Montauk Monster and an albino seal), there isn’t much indication that it is even an alien creature at all. But when a few teenage boys spotted it, they freaked out and threw rocks at it until it died. Good job, dudes. Later on, the media-savvy kids realized they could make something out of their “discovery” and a short-lived news story was born.

Note how the Cerro Azul monster poses like an old-timey lady on a fainting couch.

Not surprisingly, the boys changed their initial rendition after first getting the news’s attention. Originally they claimed it had crawled out of the water and towards them, which initiated the rock-throwing hysteria. Later, one of the boys stated that he had been playing in the water and felt something grabbing at his legs, that something being the Cerro Azul creature. (“Monster” is such a harsh word, no?) Just note that in both versions, it was out to get them, and duh, they had to kill it. After leaving, taking a few deep breaths and assuring themselves it was dead, they went back, dragged it out of the water and took the photos that were sold to Telemetro. Although in other versions they took the pics before dumping it, but who knows?

You can watch a video (in Spanish) of the boys telling their story here, but be warned. They’re like a really boring, dazed boy band that clearly does not want to be interviewed about this same thing again, and who have not yet hired a stylist or a media trainer. The poor interviewer tries to dig in to heart of the story, but no dice. Although at the end he manages to get the appointed speaker a little more riled up (by which I mean it’s like he only took one Valium instead of four) by getting him to talk about how other news stations have treated them like if they were ignorant. No comment.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news for you believers, but an autopsy was performed and indeed, it was proven to be a sloth. Why was it as smooth as the legs in a Nair commercial? Apparently, after its murderers tossed it in the water, it was submerged for a few days, which most likely caused it to go prematurely bald. Not a fun life for this little guy. One thing that always gets me about these types of stories is that amongst all the theories that start flying around, there is always someone who says it’s an animal that’s never been seen before. I can buy it when people claim these creatures are mutated versions of other animals, or that they are bloated from being dead and exposed to the elements, sure. I’m not a zoology expert by any means, but are there still that many types of sloths yet to be discovered?

Lastly, can anyone explain to me what is up with the background music in this video? It’s like one of those video collages tween girls make about what they wish would happen in Twilight, but a little more upbeat. YouTube is totally the fanfic of the new generation.

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