Bigfoot Crashes Wedding, Hicks Pleased Daughter Finally Finds Smart Mate

To me, the only really interesting thing about The Weekly World News is that there are people out there who actually read it and believe the stories in it.  I think that is a bigger unexplained mystery than ghosts, Bigfoot and UFOs combined. Anyways, it’s Monday and we could all use a laugh, so I thought I’d blog about this hilarious article about Bigfoot kidnapping a bridesmaid at a wedding in West Virginia. Enjoy!

GAULEY, WV –  At a wedding reception near the Cranberry River, Bigfoot busted in and grabbed one of the bridesmaids.

Wedding guests watched in horror as Bigfoot stomped onto the dance floor and grabbed Darlene Pacapuddy. He threw her over his shoulder and waltzed off into the woods.

bigfoot, sasquatch, bridesmaid
Sadly, 51% of all bridesmaid kidnappings by Bigfoot end in divorce.

The bride and groom – Jan Kimball and Calvin Hudgins – and their wedding guests were having a lovely evening at the Appalachian Inn & Motel. Their two families, who had been feuding over wedding arrangements for six months (seven arrests for assault and battery,) were finally enjoying each others’ company. Jeb Kimball finished serving the trout that he and his brothers caught for his sister’s big day and the ice cream wedding cake had just been pushed out on the cake cart.   Guests were enjoying the gin Jeff Kimball had made for the guests.

The band was playing the Toby Keith classic, “Who’s Your Daddy?” when all of a sudden there was a commotion near the stuffed bear in the back of the room. Calvin thought that it was his crazy cousin Harlin, who likes to play pranks at weddings – “like the time he set the wedding pick-up on fire.”  But it wasn’t Harlin, it was Bigfoot.

“He wasn’t wearing shoes, but none of the guys were wearing shoes at the wedding,” said Lloyd Kimball, the father of the bride. “His feet looked hairy. He was covered in reddish brown hair and about six feet tall. The hair was all even in length. He seemed like he takes good care of himself, though.  Good shape, well-groomed.”

“Darlene was kicking and screaming, but none of us were gonna get anywhere near that beast,” said Mindy Cross, another one of the bridesmaids. “I don’t know why he picked Darlene out of all of us.  Figures, Darlene’s always been a slut.  At least I caught the bouquet.”

Wedding guests watched Bigfoot run about quarter of a mile up the hill with Darlene.  He tore through some elderberry bushes and disappeared down the mountain. The mother of the groom, Madge Hudgins was the only one brave enough to venture into the woods. “I looked at the spot where he took her through the bushes. There were some kind of prints in the mud holes and the elderberry bushes were broken and bent.  Some thought it was King Kong.  But they’re dead wrong. It was definitely Bigfoot. I know Bigfoot when I see him and that was Bigfoot.”

Unfortunately, the Kimball and Hudgins families both blamed each other for the disappearance of Darlene Pacapuddy – and the feud was reignited. WWN contacted Darlene’s mother, Irene, who said that the family was distraught about Darlene. “We were praying she would find a good man one day, not a beast. But I hope she’s happy wherever she is.”

Local authorities can not confirm (or deny) that Bigfoot is in the area. If you see Bigfoot (or Darlene) please call Cranberry River Police.

Ok, there are so many jokes to be made here that my head might literally explode. So here’s a few humorous observations, in bulletpoint format for your convenience:

  • Not one of these backwoods hicks had a gun with which to stop said Bigfoot?
  • Two mountain families were feuding? Did this story come from a Bugs Bunny cartoon?
  • Moonshine at a hick wedding? Who would have guessed?
  • I like how there was a stuffed bear in the reception hall.
  • I also like how crazy cousin Harlin likes to set cars on fire at weddings.
  • None of the guests wore shoes. Awesome.
  • At least Bigfoot seems to be well-groomed and in shape. But I have a feeling homeless people would be better groomed than people at this wedding.
  • Props to Bigfoot for picking out the bridesmaid who puts out.
  • I like how some of the guests thought Bigfoot was King Kong.
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